Catalogue Brides.
"By it's cold out there tonight Mam, I'm looking forward to Tea."
"Why Tom I've your favourite, meat and dumplings for you and me."
"Sit yourself by the fire and give us ya coat, Footballs on tonight, I'll pass the remote."
"Not tonight Ma, I'll sit at the table with you. Why there's nothing better than a plate of your stew."
"What Tom! nee football? that can't be right, can it? Have you swopped places with someone from another Planet."
"This dinners so fillin' Ma, must take you all day. I'll get someone to help you, what do you say."
"Tom ah want nee strangers knowing all our affairs and poking their noses around me upstairs."
"Ma ah was thinking of taking a bride. Then all of your treasures you won't need to hide."
"Eee Tom what's the thoughts that come into your head? Ya brains gone soft maybe even dead. Why ya haven't a lass never mind a wife. Ah thought thee was enjoying a bachelor life?"
"A couple of men at work got mail order brides and they say it has totally changed their lives."
"Why Tom ya ganna pick a wife out of a book? How'll ya know what she's like without a look?"
"Lets clear the table and make a fresh pot of Tea, then we'll see if Thailand has out to offer me."
"I'll put on the Laptop and see what's there. I'm a bit excited Ma I'll put up your chair."
"Tom look at all the women in need of a man. In my day ya were lucky to take what you can."
"Ya Dah only had one woman from beginning to end and here you are with enough to drive me round the bend. Our Peter and Pauls as content as can be and here you are looking for wife number three. Ah can't see what's wrong with lasses here about, at least one of them will cost ya now't!"
"Ma am fifty four and want a woman in my life, ah want someone to look after me and be a good wife. you're coming up eighty and could do with a rest. A younger women in the house to help, you'll see will be best. I'll fix up the Laptop and let you pick, our two heads together should do the trick."
"Ya mean we'll pick one off your laptop today? Do you get her on instalments or how do you pay?"
"No it's now't like that you'll soon discover. You see all about them whether you want companion or lover. I've had passion twice and it got me nee where, so clock your arse down and dinna despair."
"Look at all these women, you can choose one from here. We want one who'll enjoy a night by the fire or out for the bingo and beer. Tom look at all the dolly birds, I told you there would be, why some of them would be lucky to be much past twenty!"
"Ah can't believe there so many on sale, some of thems never seen a broom or a pail. Look at that one with the big pouty lips. Gets them round me best china cups it'll be gone in two sips."
"What about the eyes on this one, looks like sweetness and honey. When you're at work she'll be spending your hard earned money. Look at this one like a model and so fit, I'm surprised, but you'll need to work all the double shifts just to keep her dressed!"
"Here Ma, look at this one she's forty four, she has two kids from a marriage before, they're a boy of six and a girl of eight. Their dad was killed so they've had a lot on their plate."
"Well Tom Ah must say that I've had a surprise, seeing you pick a bride from a catalogue before me eyes. Wait till Ah tell our Bella at the Bingo."
"She'll wonder how you managed not speaking the Lingo. The most I've ever had from the catalogue's a set of pans and here you are ordering a wife and two bairns."
"Ah think this one would suit me down to a tee and her and the bairns could use a good family. Am going to ring her and see how we get on. If all ok I'll arrange to go over before too long."
"Spend a couple of weeks in the Sun and 5 Star luxury before I commit. What do you think about that Ma, so take it gently and don't have a fit."
"No Tom, what Ah was thinking was its a long way off on your own. I'll come with you, two heads are better than one. I'll get a fresh tea while you go and phone."
End.
Other Post by this Author are:-
